By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
