my sisters under your porch take her home
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
