The maid of honor just puked.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
