yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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