Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
