I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
