Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
