Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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