i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
