Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
