I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Randomize
