Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
