I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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