ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
