I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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