Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
