Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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