I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
