im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
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