I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
