wanna go halves on a baby?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
