Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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