I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
