i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
