there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
