How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
