I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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