nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
