census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
