Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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