I wish I could teleport
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize
