so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
