Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
