I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
