If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
