I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Pants are for mortals
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
