I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
