Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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