Define "chronic" masturbator.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i think i have two assholes
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
