Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
