I puked a lego.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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