Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
