I looked at my own cervix.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
