Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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