; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
