sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Acid is not a monday night drug
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
