i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
