ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
