Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
