This is not my ceiling
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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