I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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